Letting go is more than just the subject of a hit Disney song that became embedded in the minds of young children (okay mine as well). It’s actually a pretty on point philosophy and an art. Letting go is an art form because it requires practice and dedication to master. While I’ve not quite mastered this art yet, I definitely have my Bachelor of Science degree in it; ‘cause in the past decade I’ve let go of a major job, a couple of “friends”, a few apartments, a plethora of clothes, a boyfriend or 3 (whose counting), and a car that I loved so much I named it.
Did I want to let go of all of those things? At the time, the answer for most of it was, “No!” But I had to come to terms with the truth. Which was that many of those things were no longer working for me. They were not helping me grow or move forward in life (quite literally with the car) nor were they contributing to my sense of wellbeing and happiness. You know that feeling when a part of your life feels like you are stuck at a standstill. Well, that quagmire is no coincidence. That is the time you need to ask yourself “What is it in my life that is not serving me?” Not gonna lie, that’s not always the easiest question to ask and certainly not the easiest to answer. Mainly, because the answer can range from the existential (i.e. a bad habit, a grudge, thinking you can change someone other than yourself) to the physical (weight, clothes in your closet your forgot you owned, a set of encyclopedias you posthumously inherited from your grandparents.) Sometimes, we need to let go of an emotion like anger, fear, guilt, or resentment. Sometimes, we need to bid adieu to a toxic relationship or an addiction. Other times it can be something physical that is quite literally cluttering your life from clothes to books to furniture to e-mails. Listen, I’m all for “let go and let God” and not to diminish the power of the Almighty, I understand Jesus may take the wheel, but there’s no doubt it is up to me to clean out my inbox. The wild part about letting go is that you know it’s “stuff” you no longer need but you’re holding on because…. Because it brings you comfort. Because you’ve grown used to it (comfort). Because it’s scary to think about what happens after you let it go (comfort.) Because you think you need permission to let it go (comfort.) Because it’s safe and you “know it” (comfort.) Because you want to “avoid drama” (comfort). Because you believe it’s easier to have it in your life than not (comfort). Suffice to say, comfort, or the lack thereof is at the root of not letting go. The irony of all ironies is that there is even comfort in holding on to the negative stuff. Because within that comfort we get to have an excuse for why we are stuck; a reason for not being able to move forward, or something/someone to blame other than ourselves for why we are unhappy, stagnant, or unsuccessful. Might I suggest holding on to the lesson, but releasing the experience and emotions that no longer serve you. I know this is easier said than done, but it is possible. I would never proclaim that letting go is easy; it can at times be very uncomfortable. But when you do let go it is a powerful and empowering experience that is filled with rich rewards. It takes being courageous and bold to let go. Especially, of the things we’ve lead ourselves to believe we need, whatever it is, to survive. But guess what? You don’t need the 7 pairs of jeans that you wore before you went to college or got pregnant because you plan to get back into them one day. You don’t need that friend who is a “crazy maker” or an energy vampire to the Nth degree and sucks the life out of you without replenishing what they took. You don’t need the romantic partner who is abusive, or so unhappy with their own life that they are stifling your spirit and soul. You don’t need to waste money on a storage container full of things you never intend to use again and will only cause resentment when you croak and your remaining family members have to deal with it. When you are bold enough to let go a series of things happen. After the initial fear and anxiety subside, and it does—I promise, you will be met with a wave of relief as though a weight has been lifted off you. You will actually feel a sense of freedom and a lightness in your head and heart. Next, you will gain the awareness that you are no longer dependent on something or beholden to someone to bring you comfort, peace or joy. Lastly, when you let go, you create a space in your life for something new and almost always better, to take the place of what you released and by goodness it will be something that serves you because it will match your intentions. To be clear, letting go isn’t giving up. It is consciously releasing whatever energy, attention, clutter, pain, waste, excess, etc. that is not serving you. There is power in doing this. If you think you need permission consider it granted. If you need to start slow, by all means take it step-by-step. As I mentioned, I’ve been at this for a while and sometimes it takes life-altering events to generate a wake up call to set the wheels in motion. Other times it’s been a book, an article or conversation with a friends that put me on the right path. I’ve been fortunate enough to have all of the above influence my life and I hope these words are a catalyst in helping you let go of whatever you need to as well because you are most definitely worth it. -Karith Foster
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In the past a five years I have experienced some pretty incredible and drastic life changes. I went from being a single Carrie Bradshaw-esque New Yorker to a married stay-at-home-working mom of two under two. I had the very specific life dream to be married and “have a couple of kids” by a certain birthday- I met my goal with 48 hours to spare. But things were and still are far from perfect. I know I’m not alone. I am not the only woman who suffers from “perfection-itis” (Shout out to Doc McStuffins). Most women, not all, but most have this ingrained, yet completely unnatural, compulsion to be perfect. We want to be the perfect wife, perfect girlfriend, perfect mother, perfect friend, perfect sister, perfect daughter, perfect boss, perfect employee. THE PERFECT PERSON!!! We want it like there’s a prize to be had. I’m dying to know where this idea of attaining perfection came from. Did it start with my mother or the Kardashians? Does it go as far back as supermodels or the whacked-out image of the 1950’s housewife that our own mothers and grandmother’s were killing themselves to emulate? After a “come-to-Jesus-meeting” with myself about it, sadly, I understood I’ve been attempting perfection most of my life. I’ve only just had the realization that my attempts have been in vain. You see, a few days after the birth of my first daughter while lamenting, what at the time felt like an epic fail in my mothering and life skills, a girlfriend said to me, “Karith, you can be perfect…or you can be happy. The choice is yours.” Now, that’s when the heavens should have opened up; angels begun their chorus and my friend should have been showered in a golden white light equivalent to the epiphany I should have had in that moment. Unfortunately, I was too tired and foggy to appreciate the power of those words. I know now, that was one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received. Her statement was simple and nonjudgmental and while it made me smile and feel good on the surface it took years of marinating to help me get to where I am now. So how with two kids under two, a relatively new relationship/marriage and a very demanding career, did I get into the right headspace to choose happiness over perfection? The first thing I had to do was acknowledge that it IS a choice. The second thing I had to do was recognize perfection for the lie that it is. There is no such thing as perfect and that is okay. In order to stay on my track for happiness and not be sucked into the veritable pitfalls of perfection I developed a guide for myself. I call it sticking to the B.A.S.I.C.S. Be kind to yourself. It is amazing how readily we beat ourselves up but are so quick to be sympathetic to a friend. You need to be your own best friend and treat yourself as such. This also means be your own biggest cheerleader so that others know how to treat you. People take their cues how to treat you from how they see you treat yourself. Ask for help. Even I still need work on this one. But I’ve realized I can let my pride stand in the way of my success and be miserable or I can ask for what I need and 9 times out of 10 get it. This isn’t about taking advantage of another person’s time or energy it’s about putting what you need out there and in doing so taking care of yourself so that you can then pay it forward. Why do you think companies hire employees or start-ups seek investors? They need help to get the success they desire. Stop comparing yourself. To whom you may ask? To your mother, your sister, your brother, your cousin, your best friend, the Super PTA Mom, the mom blogger you follow, anyone on Pinterest, your Facebook frienemy, your boss, your nemesis. If you’ve not picked up what I’m saying -essentially anyone who makes you feel less than when you compare yourself to them. Your #1 job is to be THE BEST YOU you can be. Ignore the critics- that includes you. Don’t let anyone talk you out of your dreams, don’t let anyone create doubt. Be open to advice and guidance for sure, but there is a distinct difference between someone who is trying to support you in their critique versus someone whose trying to bring you down. Celebrate even the smallest of victories. Say you stepped out of your comfort zone and you did something, like, oh, I don’t know asked for help? Or maybe you’re a new mom and you’ve not slept in more than 3 hour increments in weeks. Celebrate that stuff. Have a Hershey’s kiss, do a 60 second “happy dance”, get that 10-minute shower Girlfriend! Say thank you. Show gratitude for even the smallest things. Sometimes we have days where it seems like everything is going wrong, like we can’t catch a break and if one more person gets on one more nerve you’re going to lose it. But before you do- stop. Take a deep breath and quickly think of 5 things that you are truly grateful you have in your life. It can be as simple as access to clean water or as deep as both of your parents are still alive. It doesn’t matter what you’re grateful for, just reflect on it for a moment until you’re grounded again. Don’t just do this when you’re upset. Make this a regular exercise. I don’t know why it works this way, but God/The Universe hears/feels this gratitude and for some reason rewards you with more to be grateful. I am in no way perfect, nor is this article, but I’m happier for putting it out there and I hope you take what you need from it. Remember, perfection is in the eye of the advertiser, the casting director and the photoshopper. Happiness is in the heart of the beholder. -Karith Foster |
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